How to become a pleasant person If you are careful, you will notice that there is a special category of people to whom others are drawn. Their opinions are valuable to others; they are most often asked for advice. What's the secret? They are just nice people. What can make a person enjoyable?
First of all, others are drawn to neat people. All of us like to work and communicate with a person who takes care of himself and his appearance. And the point here is not in natural beauty, namely in neatness and grooming. Untidiness is an equally repulsive and unpleasant feature for all.
Another characteristic sign of a pleasant person is a smile. Everyone knows how a sincere smile has to itself. (Here, of course, it is important not to overdo it: a constant smile on the face can cause misunderstanding on the part of others).
Pleasant people - nice to talk to. And usually they speak little, but listen more. A person is so arranged - almost everyone likes to talk about themselves, their problems. Pleasant people are able to not only listen to all this, but also give valuable advice. In addition, you can be sure that such people always remember what they were told, and do not let all the information pass by.
A pleasant person is distinguished by a sense of tact: in conversations he will always avoid sharp corners and those that are unpleasant to the interlocutor. Tact is also manifested in the fact that a pleasant person never imposes his society on others.
Pleasant people know how to beautifully conduct and build a conversation, and yet - they know how to argue beautifully. What does it mean? A pleasant person never imposes his opinion in an ultimatum form; he knows how to give correct and adequate arguments.
And the most important feature of nice people is that they never play in communication. Even an ignorant person in psychology is able to feel the insincerity of the interlocutor. Pleasant people are always distinguished by sincerity.
It’s been noticed a long time ago, if you want to not lose the trust of another person who is important to you, then learn to accept him for who he is, don’t criticize, don’t argue, try to avoid sharp corners and speak with him only on topics that are pleasant to him, it’s very easy to lose one’s favor, imposing one’s thoughts, views and wanting to convince and insist on being right, take care of each other
2. They listen much more than they say.
Ask questions. Maintain eye contact. Smile Nod your head. Answer - not so much with words as non-verbally. This is all it takes to show the other person that he or she is important.
Then, when you speak, do not offer advice until you are asked. When you listen, it shows a lot more concern than when you offer advice, because at the same time you start talking about yourself.
Speak only when you have something important, something that matters to another person, not for you.
eight. . because they understand that other people are more important
You already know what you know. You know your opinion. You know your perspectives and points of view. This is not important, because it is already yours. You cannot learn anything from yourself.
But you do not know what other people know. It makes other people more important than you, because you can learn from them.
eleven. . But they readily acknowledge their shortcomings
It often seems that incredibly successful people have charisma simply because they are successful. Their success seems to create a halo effect, almost like a glow.
The key word here is “it seems.”
You do not have to be incredibly successful to be charismatic. Be meek. Admit your mistakes. Be an instructive story. And laugh at yourself. Let people not laugh at you, let them laugh with you!
They will love you even more for this, and will want to be around.
“Where there are few words, they have weight,” said Shakespeare. To listen, volitional efforts are needed. However, it’s much easier to console myself with the words “I won’t hear anything interesting.” We strive to draw such a conclusion as soon as possible, since it saves us from the volitional efforts necessary for listening. The speaker should remember this and, firstly, try to interest the interlocutor with his very first words, and secondly, be brief.
Once, Mark Twain liked the missionary preacher so much that he decided to donate a dollar to him. The sermon lasted an hour, and the writer decided to limit himself to half a dollar. After another half an hour, he decided that he would not give anything. When the priest finally finished two hours later, Mark Twain took the dollar from the alms bowl to make up for the loss of time.
The ancient Spartans were enemies of verbosity. Once in famine, a messenger from another city long begged for a bag of grain. The Spartan refused him: "We forgot the beginning of your speech, and therefore did not understand its end." The second messenger showed an empty bag and said:
"You see: it is empty, please put at least something in it." The Spartan fulfilled the request, adding: “Next time, speak shorter. That the bag is empty, we see. You can’t mention about filling it. ”
Studies by scientists at the Institute of Cybernetics in Paderborn (Germany) showed that half of adults do not catch the meaning of the phrases they hear if they contain more than 13 words. At the same time, seven-year-old children hardly understand phrases made up of more than eight words. Therefore, one cannot disagree with the words of Anatole France: "Only that is easy to understand is beautiful."
Show interest in the person. Any manifestation of interest in the interlocutor is a hidden compliment: everyone is pleased to recognize that he is interesting. It is important, however, that this interest be sincere. Fake interest is easily exposed.
For interest to be sincere, find what you are really interested in in this person: something from his biography, work, family, events that he witnessed. And then your interest will be genuine.
Begin with what interests the interlocutor. Each of us is pleased to talk about ourselves, about our affairs. Use this, start a conversation about what is interesting to the interlocutor, about him, about his problems. Look at the question that interests you through the eyes of the interlocutor and submit the question so that it meets some of his interests.
Say the name of the person you are talking to more often. Everyone enjoys the sound of his name. When we want to convince someone, we spontaneously and quite often pronounce his name.
The name should be pronounced not with a tongue twister, but with feeling and at the same pace as the conversation is going on.
An experiment was conducted: at a production meeting, where before that, “throats were torn”, accusing each other, everyone was obliged to contact opponents by name and patronymic. Comparison with other meetings showed that controversial issues found a better solution and much faster. After all, often we need not so much to insist on our own thing as to see that others around us are listening and we mean something to them.
Four tricks to remember the name. Very often we instantly forget the name (middle name) just heard when we met. To prevent this from happening, it is recommended:
- immediately, as they heard, repeat it out loud, for example: “Very nice, Ivan Vasilievich”,
- associate with the names and patronymics of people you know or historical figures. Such an association helps, even when you have to take the name of one character, and the middle name of the other (they can be of different sexes),
- say the name and patronymic several times to yourself, if you don’t succeed aloud,
- to make an installation for remembering the name and patronymic: imagine that you happen to turn to this person a few months later.
Do not interrupt the interlocutor. Many of us sin with this flaw. Men interrupt more often than women. Managers interrupt more often - and not only in communication with subordinates, but also in everyday life. Interrupting, we kind of say: “Listen better than me, my thoughts are more valuable than yours. And all that you want to say, I already know. "
Be a good listener. It is estimated that on average we write 9% of the working time, 16% read,
30% - we say it ourselves, 45% - we listen (or just pretend that we are listening).
In surveys on the topic “What is a good interlocutor?” The vast majority put listening ability first.
And this is no coincidence. Many of us are bad listeners. Often we only pretend that we are listening, waiting for the moment to speak out for ourselves. And poor listening is disrespectful to the speaker.
Plutarch also said: “God gave you two ears and one mouth. Why don't you use them in that order? ”
The answer is simple: listening is much harder than talking. Speaking speed is 4 times less than thinking speed. Therefore, 3/4 of the capabilities of the brain are not involved in listening and are looking for applications. And usually they find him in extraneous thoughts.
Eastwood Atwater (Atwater, 1984) cites the following interesting case:
The young woman decided to check whether people really listen to each other extremely poorly. During a cocktail party, she said to her interlocutor in a secular tone: “By the way, leaving home, I shot my husband.” “Oh, how lucky you are, dear!” - the answer followed.
When two men or two women talk, they interrupt each other equally often. During a conversation between a man and a woman, a man interrupts the interlocutor almost 2 times more often. As a result, about a third of the conversation time for a woman is spent on restoring the direction of the conversation.
Women pay more attention to the process of communication, while men are mainly interested in the result. A man usually listens attentively only for the first 20-30 seconds, after which he begins to listen in half.
Thus, in general, men as listeners lose to women. In each case, much depends on the character, temperament, upbringing and education of the participants in the conversation.
Effective Listening Techniques
The most important is the so-called active listening. The technique is that the listener tries to predict what the speaker will say in the next phrase. So, with reserve use, the reserve powers of the brain are loaded. External manifestation - these are words prompted to the interlocutor when he is looking for a suitable one. An accurate hint inspires the speaker, as it testifies to the listener's interest, his attention and full understanding. (However, this should not be abused. Those who often pause to select the most accurate words may be offended by frequent clues.)
The second trick is to ask clarifying questions. They revitalize listening, and the process of formulating them is an additional burden on our thinking that binds us to listening.
The third trick is active pose listening: the body is slightly inclined towards the speaker. This pose is involuntarily taken by a carefully listening person. This pose not only facilitates listening, but also demonstrates interest, which is important in communication to create a favorable background.
It is noticed that telling several listeners looks more at the one who nods slightly to him. This is understandable, because it is from him that he receives support: I understand you, I agree with you.
Use this trick. When you listen, nod from time to time. Since a nod means understanding, nod at the moment when it is natural to say "I understand" or "agree." This is a very powerful way to win over someone you are talking to. After all, a slight nod is usually made unconsciously, and not out of a desire to please the speaker. But it is the manifestations of the unconscious that speak of the true attitude towards the interlocutor, therefore they are so valuable.
Do not just smile, namely your interlocutor. A smile works wonders. We all heard about people who made their careers thanks to a wonderful smile.
The secret of a smile is this: actions are more expressive than words, and believe more precisely in actions. A smile is an action meaning “I treat you well. I like you, I feel good with you, I am glad to see you. ” Friendly arrangement usually gives rise to reciprocal arrangement.
In many countries, employees are required to smile at the visitor - this makes it easier to resolve issues. Often in foreign offices there are signs addressed to customers: "Smile!"
Representatives of some professions are specially taught to smile: television announcers, actors, politicians, diplomats.
An outstanding teacher A. S. Makarenko wrote that with constant exercises in front of the mirror he developed at himself about a hundred different smiles, appropriate in different situations. His example is another science! This science is seriously studied in business schools. In particular, special mirror cards with the image of a broad smile were created, which students, looking at their reflection, try to reproduce.
Observations have shown that gloomy faces age faster. Gloomy people have a gloomy mood, which does not cause location from others.
This is an extremely important part of communication. Looking at the speaker, the listener is interested. Plus, the listening process is facilitated.
The optimal duration of a glance is no more than 10 seconds. A longer look can be perceived as a challenge or confuse. The latter concerns people insecure or shy (and there are about 40% of them).
The meeting with the looks usually lasts a few seconds - this is quite enough for mutual understanding.
An exception is the discussion of unpleasant issues: here, abstinence from visual contact is a manifestation of politeness and a demonstration of understanding the emotional state of the interlocutor. On the contrary, a persistent look is perceived as an interference in a person’s experiences.
Women are more prone to visual contact than men. Apparently, this is due to their increased attention to detail - to what men consider trifles. Male rationalism in this case is an obstacle to more meaningful communication.
It is noticed that they look more at those who are admired or with whom trust relationships are established. Often a man’s hostile or indifferent attitude can be found out from the fact that, greeting him, he does not look at the interlocutor.
From the views you can judge at what stage the conversation is. When the speaker then looks into the interlocutor’s eyes, he looks away, which means that his thought is not yet complete. When he interrupted the speech and looked directly into the listener's eyes, this means that he has finished, now it’s the turn of the interlocutor.
When speaking, especially in front of a small audience, the speaker should try to look at each listener, thereby addressing the speech to each of them. The perception of the speaker by the audience greatly benefits from this. On the contrary, if the speaker looks over the heads of the listeners or stares at one point, then the listeners qualify this as indifference or disrespect for them.
Poses and gestures
They play an important role in creating the atmosphere. Leaning towards the speaker is perceived as a more attentive listener. On the contrary, there is a certain inconvenience when the listener leans back or sits lounging.
A laid-back pose is preferable to a constrained one, since the corresponding state is transferred to the partner.
A friendly touch is a powerful means, however, only for loved ones. Touching a stranger who is not inclined to rapprochement can cause a negative reaction. This is explained by the fact that touch means an invasion of a person’s personal space, so use this tool with caution. Adolescents are particularly annoyed by the touch of adults. After all, their desire for independence is aggravated, so they try to avoid "calf tenderness" as a symbol of childhood.
For adults, the touch of a loved one is desirable - they acquire special value for the elderly, who, thanks to this manifestation of disposition, feel their need and significance, to some extent lost with their retirement.
Touching a child, we show him our love, and this is for him the most important value. It is especially important to touch the baby gently after he has received punishment from us.
It has been established that, among the touches, the stroking of the head plays a special role among the child: it turned out (contributes to the development of his brain).
Experiments with cubs of monkeys showed the need for touch for their normal development. In the absence of mothers, a teddy bear was left to one group of monkeys, to which they could snuggle up like a mother. These kids grew up quite healthy. And those cubs who did not even have such an opportunity, grew up mentally disabled.
You should not touch the interlocutor if he is in a bad mood or an unpleasant question is being discussed.
People react especially painfully to arrogant and familiar movements: patting on the shoulder or cheek. In adults, this is usually perceived as extreme tactlessness.
Зафиксировав положительные эмоции собеседника своим прикосновением и повторив прикосновение к тому же месту в конце разговора, можно закрепить расположение партнера к себе после окончания беседы. (Более обстоятельно этот прием описан в главе, посвященной нейролингвистическому программированию, где идет речь о якорении.)
Взаимное расположение в пространстве
It has been established that, ceteris paribus, conflicts more often arise between people who are opposite each other. (It is no coincidence that the word "confrontation" means conflict.) Therefore, for a conversation it is better to sit next to or at an angle to each other.
People who work together or know each other well prefer to be located in this way. This is favorable for reaching agreement. Moreover, the location shoulder to shoulder is friendly and should not be imposed by a person unfamiliar or having a lower status.
Depending on gender, preferences are as follows: women often prefer to talk from the side, men are opposite each other. Exceptions in women are cases of competition.
More interested and willing to reach an agreement sit closer to the other person, others away. However, too close a location (up to 0.5 m) is perceived as intimate, a distance of 0.5 to 1.2 m for a friendly conversation, a social distance (1.2–3.7 m) for business relations, a public distance ( more than 3.7 m) - to exchange a few words or not to contact at all.
Usually a person is intuitively located at an appropriate distance. However, some adjustment based on the foregoing will allow more efficient use of this resource. After all, you need to think not only about your convenience, but also about the convenience of a partner, about giving the conversation the right tone.
Women are more comfortable with the rather close location of the interlocutors. Older people and children also prefer to stay close than middle-aged people, youth, adolescents.
Interlocutors of equal status are comfortable with a closer location compared to a situation when they are talking with a person of a higher status.
By the way the interlocutor is located (close or far, at what angle), a preliminary judgment can be made about his attitude to the partner.
Pauses in speech are necessary: they allow you to reflect on what you hear and give everyone the opportunity to decide who is best to speak out. A pause in the speech emphasizes the significance of the expressed thought. The main thing is that their duration does not exceed 5-6 seconds.
“Accuracy is the politeness of kings” - this aphorism reveals the role of punctuality in the best way possible. There is nothing worse than being late for the start of a meeting. Shakespeare also said: "It is better to arrive 2 hours earlier than to be late at least 2 minutes." The justice of this is easy to understand when it comes to being late for the train. But relations between people are no less important than the loss from a frustrated trip.
The only way not to be late is to plan to arrive a little earlier. Then in case of unforeseen circumstances there is a margin of time. Moreover, the rules of ethics require arriving for a meeting in neutral territory 5 minutes before the appointed time. In the case of a reception with a senior leader, it is recommended to appear in his reception 10 minutes before the specified time.